I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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