Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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