Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
foreskin is a definite game changer
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
