I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
