I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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