my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
