im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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