Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
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