I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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