Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
