Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
