whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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