is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
