I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
