I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Green mimosas i think yes
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
