Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
