He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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