Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
