If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
