Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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