Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
So. Much. Porn.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
