I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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