Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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