dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
