You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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