Betty ford says i'm here all night
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
