once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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