I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
OPIZZABONMYDICK
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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