I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
