he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
