They should really pass out barf bags in church
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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