gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
