my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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