I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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