The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I want a musical about memes.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
