if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
