i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Randomize
