Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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