you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
