It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
