Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
