As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
