Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
