hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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