So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Too much gin, very little bucket
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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