well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
