If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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