I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
