Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
