PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
